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expressed anxiety surrounding her return to work because it would require that she eat lunch at
work. Previously, her standard lunch was yogurt and a granola bar, which repeatedly prompted
comments from co-workers that she needed to eat more. Alice recognizes eating only a yogurt
and a granola bar for lunch as “disordered.” At the same time, she is not ready to change this
behavior and fears comments from co-workers. In response, the “normal” mother of a female
“disordered” participant commented that she frequently eats only a yogurt for lunch when she is
trying to “balance.” Here is an instance in which a behavior may be both “normal” and
“disordered” depending on its performer. Another participant, Sandy reflected upon “all those
people who can just a grab a yogurt when they are hungry.” For her, the ability to act on
impulse, without thought except to listen to one’s “hunger cues,” is “normal.” She recognizes
that if she were merely to eat a yogurt for lunch, it would not be “healthy” but rather
“disordered.” She relinquishes the fact that she must put “more effort” into her eating; she must
actively think about having a “healthy balanced meal.” The same energy previously dedicated to
what not to eat must not concern what to eat. The “disordered”, “normal”, and “healthy”
classification system furthers a framework that requires participants to dedicate substantial time
and energy to monitoring their eating, thus enabling them to continue to identify as eating
disordered.
Participants dedicate the same energy to monitoring more formal aspects of their
recoveries, including relationships with their therapists and physicians. Consider the following
exchange:
Emma explained that she has been having a difficult time asking for help. In her
words, “Really, I just don’t know that I need it—I don’t know that I need it. But
it’s when I start to feel like I don’t need help that I really know that I do need it.
That’s when I slip and start using symptoms. I just feel really detached and don’t
feel like I can snap out of it. It’s just really frustrating.” Sally immediately
replied, “I can totally relate. I know it’s a giant red flag for me when I start to feel
like I don’t need help, I don’t need to meet with my therapist, I don’t need to meet
with my nutritionist.” Sally recognizes that “at some point you’re going to want to
start pulling away from those things” but further adds that “It’s a really fine line to
walk. That’s recovery.” Her deliberations continue: “I can’t tell if it’s really
because I’m getting better or when I really do need more help. Like with my
nutritionist…originally we met once a week, and then twice a week, and now
we’re down to monthly. She reassures me that we can meet more often if I feel
like I need it, if I start to feel sketchy…but the problem is, that’s when I’m least
likely to ask for help. That’s when I am going to start using behaviors.” Most
Convention